Families galore. Relationships galore. I see them every where. They seem perfect. They seem to flourish so effortlessly. So effortlessly do they flow. I wonder how they flow so seamlessly. People go about their work and come back to their families. It seems so natural . So simple. Love flows like a river unhindered . Love emanates from these families so flawlessly that love seems commonplace.

Are my senses so blinded that I do not perceive such closeness and love in my own familial connections. What eludes me. Why this sense of alienation from something so familiar . Something so near. Why is this nearness a source of anathema in my life. Why do I want to run away from all of it. Why this urge to recede from them . Why this feeling of necessity to run far away and establish new relationships . It’s difficult to find answers however hard I may try.

Do the answers lie somewhere in between . In between their callousness towards me and my cringing from them or my inability to connect with them on a more basic level. Here I am writing about myself and my family relationships . Whichever way it is, it’s been a burden to carry them. A burden to always act normal and cared for. Doubt seizes my mind. I fail to discern properly where it would lead me. But I am slowly but surely coming to terms with my want to sever my old ties and form new ones. I am feeling less guilty now to come out of relationships which are hollow and empty and form new, more fulfilling ties. I feel a sense of enthusiasm for new beginnings, to form new and happy memories. There is no sense of foreboding now. No doubt in my mind.But a feeling of goodness and kindness inhabits my whole being.

Note-Photo from Google

Today I get news that my loved one is leaving for a foreign land. I am unable to fathom it. My eyes are barely open in the early hours of the morning when the news hits me. I feel a sudden sadness. A lump forms in the pit of my stomach. The pain is physical. The need to physically be in touch with my beloved. The absolute need for the kisses and caresses which I am so aware of; I so recognize.

I wonder if this pain of the distance increasing between us is only physical. Or is it some kind of emotional insecurity that I suffer from. A little bit of thought into it and the clouds of doubt clear off. The insecurities are deep within me. The fear of losing someone who formed the bedrock in my emotional roller coaster ride. Who, if gone from my life would shake me up and turn my world upside down. My life would have a downward spiral. My life would become like a boat without it’s sails which is difficult to reign in and give direction to.

I am not sure if this dependence is good for me. But it feels wonderful when my beloved is about me enveloping me in a cocoon of love. It is just so good to lean on him for all my emotional wants ; to allow him to steer me towards a fruitful and reasonable ending.

I end my musings; put up a brave face and bid my beloved a safe journey. How much I realize and recognize today the place he holds in my life . How frightening and marvellous it is.

I sit in my front verandah and watch the sun go down in the western sky. It’s winter. The cool breeze comes by and hits me, stinging my skin in the manner as my beloved’s touch singes my soul. Oh, his thoughts hit me. Hits me hard. For his thoughts hurt me now as my heart longs for him and his gentle touch. I haven’t seen him awhile. I haven’t seen him for weeks on end. His work takes him away from me.

This evening I wanted to be happy. Happy with my lover’s thoughts. But I feel pain instead. I feel pain for there is no one to make me feel free, feel loved and secure . No one to let me fly out into the secret world that I inhabit.One that only he is aware of . One that he happily swims in with me .

I recall with fondness the many times he had instilled confidence in me about our relationship, when perhaps even a optimistic person like me staggered. I long to be in his arms this evening .I want his strong arms around me, holding me closely to his bosom as he had done so many times when he was with me. I was like a child then looking for assurance into his eyes, begging for the warmth he emanated. There was no shame in it but a sense of belonging . A sense of oneness .

My phone rings and my heart leaps up. It’s my beloved’s call. I get up and go inside to take his call.