Today I get news that my loved one is leaving for a foreign land. I am unable to fathom it. My eyes are barely open in the early hours of the morning when the news hits me. I feel a sudden sadness. A lump forms in the pit of my stomach. The pain is physical. The need to physically be in touch with my beloved. The absolute need for the kisses and caresses which I am so aware of; I so recognize.
I wonder if this pain of the distance increasing between us is only physical. Or is it some kind of emotional insecurity that I suffer from. A little bit of thought into it and the clouds of doubt clear off. The insecurities are deep within me. The fear of losing someone who formed the bedrock in my emotional roller coaster ride. Who, if gone from my life would shake me up and turn my world upside down. My life would have a downward spiral. My life would become like a boat without it’s sails which is difficult to reign in and give direction to.
I am not sure if this dependence is good for me. But it feels wonderful when my beloved is about me enveloping me in a cocoon of love. It is just so good to lean on him for all my emotional wants ; to allow him to steer me towards a fruitful and reasonable ending.
I end my musings; put up a brave face and bid my beloved a safe journey. How much I realize and recognize today the place he holds in my life . How frightening and marvellous it is.